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The Onion
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Latest posts
Last updated about 19 hours ago
New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver
about 19 hours ago
SAN FRANCISCO—In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female...
Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox
about 19 hours ago
Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were...
That Fucker
about 19 hours ago
That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday...
Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts
about 19 hours ago
CLEARWATER, FL—Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise...
NIH Director’s Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts
1 day ago
The post NIH Director’s Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts appeared...
Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm
2 days ago
Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass...
As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any
2 days ago
This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light...
Jean’s Own Goals
2 days ago
So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your...
Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours
2 days ago
NEW YORK—In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of...
Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk
2 days ago
NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link...
Bombshell ‘Wall Street Journal’ Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver
2 days ago
ST. GEORGE, UT—As questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last...
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom
3 days ago
Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald...